BREAKING: New Zealand Touted as Australia’s Next State, Whether They Like It or Not!

In an unexpected turn of trans-Tasman events, Australian officials — none of whom exist — have proposed a bold new initiative: making New Zealand the 7th and final state of Australia. The move, inspired by a slightly louder American campaign to absorb Canada as its 51st state, is being described by experts as “either a drunken idea from a Melbourne pub, or the finest satire since The Castle.”

🇳🇿 “Absolutely Not,” Says Entire Population of New Zealand

Asked for comment, New Zealanders responded with a collective, “Nah, we’re good,” followed by a long silence, then a passive-aggressive rugby reference.

Jacinda Ardern, who is no longer Prime Minister but still morally governs the nation through sheer presence, issued a statement from her garden:

“We politely decline, in the way that only Kiwis can — with a smile, a biscuit, and a legal threat.”

🥝 Strategic Merger or Cultural Hostage Situation?

The plan was allegedly devised during a barbecue in North Perth, where an unnamed man wearing a Wallabies jersey (who had “maybe one too many” Emu Exports) said:

“Look, if America can claim Canada every other Tuesday, we should at least be allowed to annex the Kiwis. They already live here anyway.”

Supporters of the idea argue that since New Zealand already sends half its citizens across the ditch to live in Bondi or run barista training programs in Fitzroy, the merger is “basically administrative.”

Opponents say it’s “an insult to the majesty of Flight of the Conchords and pavlova.”
(Though sources confirm Australia still insists pavlova is theirs.)

🦘 Proposed Terms of Union:

1. All All Blacks players to be redistributed across underperforming Super Rugby franchises.

2. “Australasia” to be reintroduced on every map, to the horror of every New Zealand geography teacher.

3. All references to “Jandals” to be replaced with “Thongs,” resulting in multiple diplomatic incidents.

4. The Haka to be performed before every Bunnings sausage sizzle.

🛂 NZ Immigration Says “Nice Try, Bro”

A representative from New Zealand Immigration responded,

“We will consider the proposal just as soon as Australia learns to pronounce Whakatāne correctly.”

Australia’s Department of Foreign Affairs was unavailable for comment, allegedly distracted by an internal debate over whether Tim Tams or Mint Slices should be the official gift to the incoming Prime Minister of “Western New Zealand.”

🇦🇺 Final Word from Canberra:

When asked if New Zealand could simply opt out of the plan, one anonymous official stated,

“They’ll come around. We’ve got sunshine, pokies, and Russell Crowe.”

To which New Zealand responded, “Keep him.”

Editor’s Note: The Swan News reminds readers that this article is entirely satirical and should not be taken seriously — except by New Zealand, in which case we are very, very sorry. Unless you liked it. In which case: you’re welcome, mates.